If you've ever been in a supermarket with a toddler who has completely lost it over the wrong colour cup, you know how bewildering — and exhausting — big emotions in young children can be. The good news is that tantrums are not a sign that you're doing something wrong. They're a sign that your child's brain is doing exactly what it's supposed to do.
What's happening in the brain
The prefrontal cortex — the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, impulse control, and rational thinking — is not fully developed until the mid-20s. Toddlers are operating almost entirely from their limbic system (the emotional brain). When they're overwhelmed, they genuinely cannot regulate themselves. They need a co-regulating adult to help them.
What to do in the moment
- Stay calm. Your nervous system regulates theirs. If you escalate, they escalate.
- Get down to their level. Physical presence is regulating.
- Name the emotion: 'You're really frustrated right now.'
- Don't try to reason or explain during the tantrum — the thinking brain is offline.
- Wait it out. The average tantrum lasts 3–5 minutes.
- Reconnect warmly after it's over — no lectures, no punishment.
The goal is not to stop the tantrum — it's to help your child feel safe enough to come back to regulation. That's a skill that takes years to develop, and it develops through thousands of co-regulation experiences with a calm, caring adult.